the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
