if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
