I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
