Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
