last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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