I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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