Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
