This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
