gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
