Got a toothbrush?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize