I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
