Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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