im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
