at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
