apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
