im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
