Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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