At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Randomize
