He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
