I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
