I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
