I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
