do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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