there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
