I just threw up on my dentist
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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