so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
