She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You pole danced in your parka.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
