i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
