In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
