How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
