...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
