Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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