just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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