I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
