Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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