I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
