I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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