I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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