come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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