I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
