The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize