you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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