i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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