I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
