Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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