She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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