I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
