If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
vagina is talking i cant
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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