hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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