What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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