We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
