I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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