Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
