Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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