she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
