I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
