What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
