ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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