This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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